Santa Claus (AKA, Kris Kringle, Papa Noel, and Father Christmas), Santa’s Grotto, near Reindeerland, North Pole, Somewhere in the Middle of the Arctic
Dear Santa Claus,
When Roger and I met, as the arctic crow flies, we really weren’t that far from you. Perhaps you think it rude we didn’t stop by for a cup of iced coffee and introduce ourselves, but honestly, it was early September, and that has got to be a busy time for you. Do you really want uninvited visitors dropping by?
I know you get loads of letters this time of the year, but it has been nearly 40 years since I’ve written with any requests, so I’m hopeful that your administrative elf-team push this letter to the top of your in-box, giving you time to consider it. Before I present “the list”, I want you to know we’ve been really good this year and, with aplomb, weathered lots of changes from the move. Since arriving at Crockern, we’ve rescued sheep and hens, put in some vegetable beds and worked hard to make improvements on an old house in need of some TLC. Secondly, we appreciate and admire all that you and Mrs. Claus accomplish year in and out to help make children happy. If you think Roger and I merit, maybe you and the elves might work your Christmas magic to assist with some of our requests here at Crockern:
- Help the roofers finish. They’ve been with us since September and frankly speaking, enough already.
- To help us make a decision on the heating system so that our 2013/14 winter will be warmer and cozier than this year. I’m certain you have insight when it comes to “best practice”.
- Protection for our chickens from foxes, badgers, and inexplicable ill health so that they can keep providing those yummy eggs. I know you have a busy holiday schedule, but if you have the time, perhaps you’ll join us for breakfast? Roger makes a lovely poached egg.
- To encourage those sheep to stay off our stonewalls and out of our yard. Can’t you send that Mandy Patankin guy along to help fix the walls?
- To remain on friendly terms with Old Crockern, God of Dartmoor. We think we’re doing okay on this front, but it wouldn’t hurt for you to put in a few extra good words.
- How about some dog biscuits to give to his Wisht Hounds? I’ve noticed Sam loves our postman who always has treats to give.
- A paten for my slug-prevention-soup. It works as well as cheep beer in keeping the slugs away, and costs far less!
- A rock pick made of carbide steel.
- Despite what you might hear from older siblings and practical joking friends, we don’t want any rats, gnomes, lumps of coal, or Morris Dancers thank you very much.
- But, a Royal visit would be nice. Of course, you and Mrs. Clause are always welcome and I think we would all have a good time should Their Royal Highnesses The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall fit a visit here into their schedules.
- An answer to a burning question about flying reindeer: Do they rut and does that really sound like my friend Joann’s new door bell?
If you do decide to stop by, could you please land your sleigh on the new patch of roof? It is now sturdy and I am a little concerned about the barn roof might be unsafe since we haven’t yet tackled that project. If you elect to come down the chimney, please take care as we have the wood burner now, and the flue is smaller. No offense, but the front door might be easier.
You might recall from your visits to Winding Trail in the 1960’s that there will be a snack waiting for you and your team of reindeer. I think Oreos and beer are an odd combination, but my Dad always told me to leave the beer rather than milk. We will leave some carrots and apples out for you to provide to the reindeer.
Safe travels Santa. It can be wet and windy here in Dartmoor, so don’t forget to wear your waterproofs as you wouldn’t want that handsome red suit of yours to get damaged from precipitation.
With love and warm wishes for a healthy and happy holiday season to you, Mrs. Claus, all the elves and reindeer,
Catherine, Crockern Farm, Pretty much in the Middle of Dartmoor, UK
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